How To Hit On The Sociopath You Just Met - An Illustrated Guide By John Watson
1. Forcibly proclaim not to be his date. You met the sex god only yesterday and do not want to come off too keen.
2. Go slightly cross-eyed with delight as he hands you the menu. This is the man of your dreams and you are very hungry.
3. Seductively flick out your tongue for a split second to show that you are secretly interested. Send him reptilian vibes.
4. Look away casually with your eyes bulging out of your head. Treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen.
5. Open proceedings with a statement about arch enemies and hatred. It will be very natural to turn the conversation to his sex life from here.
6. Glance away shiftily with your mouth open to encourage his interest. You got this.
7. Ask if he has a girlfriend. Attempt not to look as though your entire future happiness hinges upon his response.
8. Once it has been established that a girlfriend is non-existent, take a moment for this happy information to sink in. Immediately jump to the conclusion that he is gay and eagerly ask if he has a boyfriend.
9. Remind him that homosexuality is a-okay with you. You want there to be no uncertainty that you are down for some serious hanky panky.
10. Give him a sweet smile to show him that your high sex drive does not inhibit your sweet and sensitive side. You can take emotional baggage as well as his baloney pony.
11. React calmly when he replies that he does not have a boyfriend. Allow the wedding bells to do the chimichanga in your head.
12. Keep your cool. Lick your lips to very subtly let him know that you would be only too happy to change that. Stare into his soul excitedly as if you’ve just spotted a ‘40% off all jumpers’ sign.
13. When he rejects you, keep your face impassive and backpedal vigorously. Do not let on that your heart has been crushed and you are slowly dying.
14. Over the next 3-5 years, pine after him constantly until he fakes his death and you rush into an unhappy marriage with a murderous psychopath. Life is good. Only show your intense dislike of her when she can’t see you.
Available at a police station near you
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